Episode 3: Identity

About The Episode:

🎙️ Episode 3: Identity – More Than a Diagnosis | Halfway to Healing Podcast

Who are we, really, when the world wants to reduce us to labels?

In this episode, Sam and Sharna unpack the complexities. We talk about the ways our identities have shaped us but also the ways we’ve resisted being defined by them. From reclaiming our narratives to rediscovering the parts of ourselves beyond diagnoses, this conversation is about choosing wholeness over limitation.

We’re not just patients or statistics. We’re people. Messy, evolving, powerful people.

✨ You are not your diagnosis. You are your story and you get to tell it.

TRigger Warning

In this episode of Halfway to Healing we will be discussing topics that may be triggering to listeners. 

We will be discussing eating disorders and violence against women in relation to identity.

While we have tried to use recovery-focused and inclusive language and not go into explicit detail, please be advised that this may be triggering to some.

Please reach out to your support system if you are triggered by the content in this episode.

Transcript

Sharna: Hey friends! Welcome back to Halfway To Healing I’m Sharna.

Sam: And I’m Sam and today's episode is one that is really close to our hearts um we're gonna be talking about identity and how it can often be framed as something that holds us back when at least from my experience it's what's kept me going.

Sharna: We'll talk about the masks that we've worn the conditioning we've unlearned and how identity in all of its complexity can be a source of clarity connection and strength so whether you're questioning reclaiming or just curious about what it means to truly be yourself this one's definitely for you so let's dive in.

Sam: Hmm I think hmm I think it's interesting identity is such a huge thing for me I mean being non binary.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: Oh my gosh I have phlegm in my throat right off the bat this happened last time too I was like I started talking my mouth was like nope uh no what was I saying identity is a really big one for me being non binary and having to discover what that meant for me navigating a lot of relationships around that as well because not everyone is super understanding. um but also being bisexual and being in a very lesbian presenting relationship as well like identity is huge for me and I'm not sure how you have like come to terms with your identity.

Sharna: So I don't myself personally represent as being non binary or bi or lesbian I myself consider myself be a cisgendered women, woman woman.

Sam: You're multiple women.

LAUGHTER

Sharna: I am multiple people a cisgendered woman and straight heterosexual myself obviously it's not something I have personally struggled with but I I remember our friendship first sort of started growing right during the time just before you came out and then more so when you were still not exploring it but I think going through the processes that you had to go through and seeing the struggles that you faced um and you know being misgendered and even now we were just talking beforehand before we started recording how we had we have an election here in Australia at the moment and you were saying how even though you have changed your name legally I was there with you when you changed your name I was there with you when you were with the JP signing all these documents and how you went to verify or prove that you're voting you said your name and it was still in your dead name which.

Sam: Yeah is terrible like it's been everything is all legal now it's all been changed and yet and updated with the Electoral Commission like it's not like one of the many things that I had to update.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: And it's still licences but even though even though I updated it it was still in my dead name I will put a little disclaimer for any queer or LGBTQ+ people that my preferred terminology for my previous name um is dead name everybody does have a different terminology that they use that's my preferred terminology and I know Sharna and I will be using that but that doesn't always sit right with everybody and that's okay too yeah I just realized that as you were saying that that I should just mention that that's just yeah that's my preferred terminology and that's how we'll be talking about it here.

Sharna: Yeah and also out of respect for Sam we're not going to mention their dead name yeah that as well just.

Sam: Thank you.

Sharna: If anyone's curious.

Sam: Thank you.

Sharna: If people are like what was Sam's dead name it's like yeah none of your business.

Sam: Yeah basically right yeah do you know what's so crazy like it like something you kind of talked about you had said like because you don't identify as you know LGBTQ+ that you don't you haven't struggled with that specifically true but I imagine you would have struggled with some parts of your identity especially like with your eating disorder and things like that you know it's I don't it's not like a blanket thing that only the subset of the no definitely I know subset of the population experiences issues with their identity.

Sharna: Yeah hmm yeah I know I don't know if this is something you experienced when you were going through the recovery for your eating disorder but I know one of my I can't remember if it was my one of my psychologists or someone eating disorder related specialist often at times would give my eating disorder a name or its own persona and I would often have activities where I would draw what I imagined that eating disorder part of me looked like and for me it was almost like a twin so the eating disorder was still looked like me and I had my name and stuff but it was like almost like an evil twin I guess one would say.

Sam: An evil twin.

Sharna: Where.

Sam: I love that so much.

Sharna: Yeah mm hmm so it's like a part of you but it's not it's just sort of this almost like a foreign person that's taken over your body is how I would best describe it whereas other people say for instance would see it as like an animal or something I don't know how you if you ever did anything like that um in your treatment.

Sam: I don't think I got like I don't think I ever specifically drew what my eating disorder looks like um but I've definitely done a lot of parts work and like OK that's the eating disorder part talking I know separating like being able to separate myself I I I've I had my eating disorder since I was about five so you know a lot of my early developmental kind of finding out who what who am I was very much clouded so it was it was quite a challenge to separate out the eating disorder part because it was almost like I've always had almost always had this at least as far back as I can possibly remember I don't know anything I don't know anything outside of that it was because of my eating disorder recovery that I and I started finding who I was in just like outside of the eating disorder that I realized oh my gosh I'm actually non binary as well.

Sharna: Exactly yeah.

Sam: And and I never and if I I don't think um I can't say for sure obviously but I don't think if I like if I hadn't come to that point in my eating disorder recovery and figuring out OK my whole identity is not tied to this disorder that I I don't think I would have been able to figure out who I was from a gender perspective as well.

Sharna: Yeah absolutely.

Sam: I love this the evil twin though I love that like.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: Like this is my evil twin.

Sharna: Cause I think a part of me will always still be like sort of not seeing it as me but seeing as it it as a part of me that sort of formed spontaneously one day like looking back I can see there was a build up of things but yeah it's me but it's also not me and that really resonated more so with me than it being like an animal or someone who looks different from me because in hindsight it was still me I guess.

Sam: Yeah.

Sharna: But not me if that makes sense.

Sam: Does that help I don't know I mean I don't know for sure but does that help like with that evil twin kind of perceive uh I don't think it's perception I think it's perspective.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: Yeah that evil twin perspective it was like there's a word here.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: Um does that help like if I don't know about you but I know for me like I I still sometimes get like the eating disorder cognitions.

Sharna: Mmm hmm.

Sam: Um does that like having that kind of I being able to identify that part as the evil twin kind of help manage those uh cognition.

Sharna: Absolutely like I know I those thoughts are always still like in the back of my head and if certain things will like not necessarily trigger them but make them more prominent like if I've been stressed or something or when I had uni exams that voice would definitely get a lot louder for me um those type of environments were really quite intense and I would be able to identify it I'd be like OK that's this thought that's in the back of my head it's not quite me but it's still still like it was still quite strong at that point now I think going through like therapy and stuff I have been able to push aside that thought be like OK there’s that thought there's that evil twin thought.

Sam: Hmm.

Sharna: And I can most of the time now push it so.

Sam: Hmm.

Sharna: Push it sort of more so to the side.

Sam: I I actually have started doing that with my self criticism. I named it Bob my self criticism is Bob and so when when my self criticism yeah yeah it's the only name I could think of at the time um so now when that comes up I'm like okay that's Bob.

Sharna: Mmm hmm.

Sam: It's okay Bob you know we we're just we're chilling we don't need to you know we don't need to worry about that it's all good you're all fine but you know thanks for the thanks for the heads up you know.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: So I think in all of my everything like in all of my different diagnoses like a big thing that pops up and health professionals often tell like tell me to be cautious of is like you are not you you as a whole are not that disorder right like I'm not my bipolar I'm not.

Sharna: Yup.

Sam: I'm not.

Sharna: You're so much more.

Sam: Yeah I'm so much more I'm I I know I'm a I'm a bit of a collation is that a word.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: Yeah I'm not like no it's a coalition that's the word I'm thinking of.

Sharna: There you go.

Sam: I'm not a coalition maybe that's not right either.

Sharna: Eh.

Sam: Oh well I'm a collection I'll find a word that does work I'm a mish mash of all these things but then even outside of like diagnosis and recovery and everything you know also you know I'm reliable and I'm intelligent and I'm I'm a really but like you know and identity is such a it's such a strong thing because I think we've I think people are very much made up of experiences and you know the thoughts we have the feelings we have the experiences that we go through the relationships that we have with other people and it's kind of interesting it's like this nice kind of mm hmm artwork almost of.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: You know like an abstract artwork where it's like.

Sharna: Mmm hmm.

Sam: It's not it doesn't it doesn't make something specific but it's like bits of paint different colours all of that pulled together to make a person.

Sharna: Mmm hmm.

Sam: I just think that's super fascinating.

Sharna: I think it's amazing yeah and I really liked how you said oh gosh I can't remember what it was but how you were like you're fun you're bubbly and that really resonated with me as well cause I'm like OK. I remember when I was quite deep in my eating disorder. I was you know I wasn't me I was I was grumpy, I was irritable I I I was a bit bit more mean I was well I hope I'm not mean but I was like.

Sam: I don't think you're mean Shana you're all good I don't think you I don't think you have a mean bone in your body uh.

Sharna: Thank you I would like lash out I was more lethargic and tired and that's that's not me um and so that was that was evil twin me you know and that's not my personality and my personality I like to think of myself as more kind and fun funny I like to yeah.

Sam: It's it's I think it's also something that's come up a lot with the election is almost the politicization of identities you know there's a lot of issues in communities that I'm in with and I'm trying not to get too political but I do want you know like it's often weaponized someone's identity you know whether you're a woman and that's the part that's being weaponized and politicized or if you're in or like me in the LGBTQ+ space that's also weaponized and and I won't get into the politics of it but it's really damaging and harmful especially for people in the LGBT community like we talked about like the fact that my dead name was being used in the roles like that's I very much have a lot of discomfort around the use of my dead name it's not my name it's not how I identify but I know that I'm very lucky that I can cope with that not everyone can do that a lot of you know and so I think there's so much harm in weaponizing it and politicizing it and making it topics and it's it it's important to some degree because obviously we need policies to protect these people but it's when policies and funding and all of that is being taken away and I think and it's and it's incredibly hard and even you know unless you're a straight white male.

Sharna: Yep.

Sam: There's a lot of harm that's done through our governments and this doesn't just happen in Australia this happens all across the world.

Sharna: Right.

Sam: Um and I it's I get like I wonder like have you ever felt limited with the fact that like you are a woman or like like whether that's in the healthcare setting.

Sharna: Absolutely so like I'm gonna go back to like flashback to little like 8 year old me all the time I don't know if this I mean I feel like it's a very common thing teachers would be like “now I need three strong boys to help me carry these chairs” and I'm just there like okay I I can do this as well you know like I don't have any.

Sam: To carry a chair in like primary school yeah I think I think anyone can handle that too.

Sharna: Yeah exactly why is why is the teacher singling out that that they need boys to help with this I'm like what do you yeah and even like in like obviously I listen to a lot of true crime and so many victims always females and I'm like man that's that's terrible and like I know well I don't know but I still have like I I understand I know that I it's not likely to happen but I still when I'm walking alone at night if I've been out in the city I still have a very strong fear that something is going to happen to me and that I am more of an easy target because I am a woman you know yeah that's a very true fear of mine and I know that the chances of that are quite slim but you know with crime rates having increased in like youth crime as a woman that's something that really scares me.

Sam: Hmm and.

Sharna: Walking alone at night.

Sam: I'm sure I mean I very much understand that yeah just I I was born I was assigned female at birth um and I know there's been times where I've been on a bus you know catching a bus home late at night and either I and there genuinely there was an instance where I thought someone was gonna follow me off the bus and I just caught it to the end of the line I was like I would rather stay on this bus and catch the next bus going like back to where I need to go to where there's cameras and lights and I'm not walking down dark yeah suburban streets.

Sharna: Yeah exactly.

Sam: At 11 at night yeah and it's a it's a gen it's a real fear um that a lot of people have and when I think I I speak from experience as someone who's experienced many different traumas especially at the hands of men.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: That that's amplified if you've gone through it once yeah you know and that's and that that's crazy like it's crazy that that's kind of the way we have to think and especially I mean I'm not exactly a big buff person and so I often worry you know I'm I'm smaller I and I don't want I do come across as almost like that you like you said an easy target.

Sharna: Exactly yeah.

Sam: And it's like it's always just in the back of your mind and I don't and a lot of people straight white men.

Sharna: Don't have that fear.

Sam: Don't have that fear and don't realise that this is a genuine fear for a lot of people you know.

Sharna: Yeah I very distinctly one night remember you calling me.

Sam: Hmmm.

Sharna: Because I think someone was not necessarily following you but that they were quite they they were like almost following you and you called me and just wanted it to seem like you were having a conversation with someone so this person wouldn't approach you I don't know if you remember that but that was quite.

Sam: I've done it so many times to so many different people.

Sharna: Yeah that was quite like I can only imagine how scary it would have been for you cause I was freaking out as well I was like oh my goodness.

Sam: Hmmm.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: No and it's it it is and there's you know it's like crossing the street or you know how you gonna take this situation you like all that quick thinking assessing situations like that's exhausting right like.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: Like having to assess a situation and it's I mean it happens in the middle of the day that'll you know to to so uh it's just awful.

Sharna: Mm hmm yeah it's yeah I can only imagine so much of it.

Sam: Probably doesn't help that you're constantly listening to true crimes where this stuff actually does happen.

Sharna: No I know ha ha ha yeah.

Sam: This is not me this is not me blaming you um cause I also think true crimes really interesting.

Sharna: Yeah like the crime.

Sam: Yeah right yeah that was a little derailment from identity but I think I think it is something that people of like just to try and put a nice little bow on that it like that's very much your experience as identifying as a woman right it's like is this fear of what could happen at any time I don't even want to just say late at night down a dark alleyway because yeah I mean statistically speaking you are more likely to be assaulted by someone that you know and you would probably.

Sharna: I know.

Sam: That you would probably know that based on your true crime stuff and your degree in forensic science.

Sharna: Yes yeah but I think that's I feel like for me that's the scariest part of it as well like it's I can't remember what the number like what percentage it is but the fact that major most of the time.

Sam: I'll look it up.

Sharna: And it is someone you know.

Sam: Yeah I'll look it up and put it on the screen for people so we backed by statistics yeah reference it all nicely.

Sharna: Yeah yeah like I can name so many true crime cases where and I guess that's why as well when there is a case of you know someone missing the first person that police look at is the spouse you know immediate family because it has that evidence backing it up I think how as being someone who identifies as non binary how how would you say that your like how has this impacted you obviously being like still presenting as in most cases more feminine cause I know I've been with you countless times being misgendered and stuff how how does that impact you how does that feel like feeling like you're being your whole identity's just being you know swept under the rug ignored you know and it can only I can only correct someone so many times but how's that experience been for you.

Sam: I do quite often present in a more feminine way um and again just to clarify the terminology I will be using feminine and masculine as a way of talking about it I do present more in a feminine way there's a lot of the the the main reason behind that is actually the fact that I have 24 years worth of feminine clothing and about six months worth of masculine clothing that has come from friends donating things to me because they're donations not a lot of that kind of those clothes don't fit me in a way that feels comfortable.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: So it is really hard especially on and then being of a smaller statue statue.

Sharna: Yeah statue.

Sam: Statue yeah um it.

Sharna: Frame.

Sam: Frame yeah it can be a little challenging to find clothing both in in either gender expression finding clothes that fit me is incredibly difficult um and anyway my point is I do I do sometimes appear more feminine to especially to like people who I think it's so easy for people to kind I mean people I mean people's brains basically want to take as much like take in so much information they there's patterns and recognition it's a whole interesting neuroscience thing and make that kind of assumption about me um I mean in it is it's really challenging to navigate it almost you're right I can only correct people so many times and the people in my life who do it the worst you know I I think it's my family.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: And which is really really shitty um and depending and because I mean I live with my family and um so it's challenging because sometimes I don't have the capacity to correct them I just don't yeah I'm going through shit I just like whatever um it also happens a lot in medical settings which is especially hard because I it it's even harder in medical settings because I legally I not legally it's not a legal issue but for my health care I do have to write my assigned birth my assigned gender at birth that is information they need to know there are different there are aspects of my anatomy that are important in a healthcare setting to know that I've got.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: I don't need my prostate checked I don't have one you know um so it's hard because you know all of those documents you know have all of that kind of have all of the you know the more cis female kind of information on them and so that it's challenging and it's even more frustrating because some people just don't like you can correct them correct them correct them.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: The really the power I I just tap into the kind of powerful parts I just have to remind myself that there are but there are really good inclusive people and there's actually this really beautiful story one of my clients when I when I came out realised that they had nothing saying that they were open about um indigenous and l and the LGBT community yeah and and actually asked me to help kind of facilitate that so we helped create little like a footer that's and a a footer and an email signature that was like you know we acknowledge country and um and also you know this is a safe inclusive diverse space for people who identify whatever gender whatever sexuality and it's stuff like that that gives me a little bit of hope that people do wanna learn and a lot of it is you know I you know you know the photographer that we're actually seeing on Tuesday um she made a post about the previous photoshoot that we did um and had misgendered me and I it is a learning curve but I I ended up sending her a message I was like hey just so you know these are the pronouns I use yeah would it and fixed it like it it's so weird to me because they/ them is not exactly is not the go to and it's crazy because it's gender neutral it's like why is not why are we not just saying they/ them for everything because yeah then it doesn't it doesn't matter what people like until you know what yeah people's pronouns are because it is gender neutral it covers everybody.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: But it I do sometimes feel like I depending on the setting I'm in like healthcare settings things like that I do sometimes feel I have to almost minimize that part of me um and almost hide it because it's too complicated it feels to me too complicated but I think at the end of the day it is ultimately an advocacy thing and it's something I need more help in like how do I correct people how do I do this cause it's as a people pleaser so difficult to be like act like I don't want you know and and also I also have to constantly come out to people like if I am meeting someone new I have like I feel like so that they use my correct pronouns I have to be like by the way I am I'm non binary and use they/ them other people don't do like yeah ha don't have to do that in every social setting that they're in and that's also really challenging.

Sharna: When I think about it and obviously I have people in my life that aren't very accepting of you know trans LGBT community and so often if I'm talking to people in my family about you I would just say your name because I know as soon as I use your pronouns they're instantly gonna correct me and I'm like well that's not actually correct and when in hindsight what they're doing is making it more difficult on themselves by actively choosing.

Sam: Hmmm.

Sharna: To say the wrong thing which that's it's a lot simpler if you just use the right ones whereas these people I like okay no I know that but I'm going to go against that and that's just you're making things way more difficult but not only like you but also themselves as well and like a very good example I like to use for people that I know that aren't very welcoming of it I say you find someone's lost wallet you go oh I can't wait to give it back to them you know cause you don't know.

Sam: Hmmm.

Sharna: Who it's gonna be unless it's like a driver's license picture in there or what but you know you find something of someone's that is not necessarily identify of identify of who they are you see someone drop something like oh I gotta give this back to them and.

Sam: I think it's so interesting I I I have to admit I was very guilty um of this myself before I came out where I would quite especially if I was reading like academic stuff like academic papers I would like typically gender the authors.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: Based on the name or whatever something that you know and I realised or or like you know very like choosing like very gendered oh this guy this girl like you know but since coming out and not that I didn't realize this before but I think it's a societal thing where it's like kind of ingrained that everything is on this binary gender spectrum and since coming out I'm like oh this person or this you know or you know I've become a lot neutral in my language choices around describing people because even if someone is dressing femininely or masculinely that their expression does not is not going to reflect necessarily reflect their identity and I don't think it's fair uh at least I don't think it's fair from experience to just assume what people how people might identify.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: I think and I think there's a lot of I mean there's a lot of the whole you know identity and expression of identity and like all of this you know um that goes on in I think all spaces even if you don't realize it right like everyone is choosing to express their identity in different ways some people have tattoos piercings um the clothing choices that you you know the clothing choices that you make certain rituals the spaces that you go to and kind of participate in.

Sharna: Yeah it's how people best feel comfortable expressing themselves you know.

Sam: No absolutely.

Sharna: Yeah so I think I'd really like to know and I'm sure our listeners would like to know how identifying as non binary has in a sense saved you helped you.

Sam: I very much feel like myself I did I didn't I don't think I realized that there was a lot missing but like I and you can attest to this we hang out and.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: But I am so much more confident I am so much more like the strides I've made in various parts of my recovery journey since coming out have been so much more founded I think not that's not quite the right word but like my efforts are more there like I feel like myself more I don't feel like I'm hiding I don't feel like I'm living in this weird kind of space yeah of like.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: Confusion so I I definitely feel a lot more confident and I've I've noticed that I've had a couple people in my life say that like I seem brighter and.

Sharna: Yeah I've definitely noticed yeah that with you yeah.

Sam: Um so I think that's kind of how and also being called by the right name as well you know like.

Sharna: I remember the first time we like grabbed a coffee and it had Sam on it you were so excited.

Sam: I know I think I took a picture of it I was like oh my God it's got my name on it ha ha ha ha ha.

Sharna: Yeah um you were so excited.

Sam: But even little things like I can spell my name now.

Sharna: Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Sam: I could not spell my dead name to save my soul um constantly typing and writing it wrong but yeah I I I I have so much more confidence I feel like I can connect to people better because I'm not I'm not hiding a part of myself to my to me which means I'm also not hiding that part of myself to other people.

Shana: Yeah.

Sam: Um so I feel more authentic I feel more real I I can be more vulnerable and trust people more because there's not this part of me that feels like it's missing or that it's wrong or and I still struggle with it a little bit like you know I do sometimes wonder oh would it not be easier if I just for lack of a better phrase went back in the closet like you know like dealing with all of the stuff that we've kind of talked about the fact that I have to correct people's pronouns and trying to find masculine clothes to wear that I can afford you know all of these things are really hard and I do and I I bring this up because I don't want people to think that I'm perfect I'm not perfect.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: And I still struggle with that and it's like you know or someday I think the biggest struggle is some days I wanna be completely gender neutral and how on earth do I find clothing that is gender neutral that I also own haha.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: Um you know and there's you know I'm going to a festival and for the first time I'll be wearing something completely masculine I'm going as a male character and that's terrifying for me I've never done that I've never you know like I mean I've got 25 years of being feminine.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: I've lived a very feminine experience and it's there's a lot of fear there but also excitement that there's a new part of me that I can explore and explore with the people that I love.

Sharna: Absolutely yeah so I think I'd well we I mean I know but how would you feel about sharing your I wanna say awakening but that doesn't sound.

Sam: My gay awakening no um your not gender awakening whatever.

Sharna: Yeah you're like like signs and how you're like OK this cause obviously I like I know your story how you came to be Sam so how did you come to be Sam what was it like.

Sam: Honestly terrifying so.

Sharna: Yeah I can imagine.

Sam: We I know that we have plans to talk about this in a lot more depth yeah um in a later episode yeah um but I there was a lot of things I was seeing in some of my therapy groups um in particular in the trans people that I was meeting that I have learnt to come to realise was something called gender envy um and I just felt that they had this like just such authenticity and realness and there was just something in it that I saw and one night I was washing my dishes and my brain I had this what I thought was an intrusive thought that was like I don't think I'm I don't think I'm female and I thought it was nothing I was I have very weird thoughts all the time okay sometimes my brain's like let's drive off a bridge and we're not doing that yeah it's crazy don't yeah don't drive off bridges you know so I'm used to having a lot of just kind of wacky thoughts.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: Um and it didn't go away like I thought it was and I with having ADHD and bipolar my thoughts are very fleeting I don't often hold the thought very long so for this thought to come and just kind of be plastered on my brain I was that I should probably look into this like this is this is this is sticking and I went to a LGBTQ+ counseling service um cause I was really freaked out by this thought I was like this is the most terrifying thought I've ever had and I think about driving off bridges like and but this thought was this thought was terrifying me.

Sharna: That was a scary one.

Sam: That was a scary one and I worked through it and I did a lot of identity work I actually did I like homework in my therapy I don't know if you like homework in your therapy but I'm like give me shit to do at home otherwise it will not stick um.

Sharna: It's not from the physio it's from the psychologist you know.

Sam: And I did this I I literally broke down my entire identity who I was how I wanted to present things that I didn't realize were part of my identity as a child like the fact that I was often told to wear dresses or act like a girl and I hated it and like I was never a Barbie person.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: I I never I think I owned one Barbie and I set it on fire okay you know like sacrificed it to the Beanie Babies um.

Sharna: Oh the Beanie Babies oh gosh.

Sam: Oh my God I had like such a collection of Beanie Babies um growing up and I didn't want any of the tags removed because I wanted them to have hmm worth like yeah.

Sharna: I know I my parents well my mum would always be like don't rip off the tag but I would and now.

Sam: Yeah should have made millions of them.

Sharna: I know.

Sam: Um but I yeah on the Beanie Babies I ended up getting rid of my collection I think I had are close to 400 Beanie Babies and I got rid of them one year because I was an edgy teenager who was like I don't need Beanie Babies and I wish I had them I would make thousands of dollars of these Beanie Babies now but no so I I did all this work with the counselor I didn't I had a lot of help from my best friend at the time who's actually my partner now and asked her questions and she was the only one who knew before I came out I'm pretty I'm pretty sure it was the counselor her and that was and me obviously.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: And that was it cause I was like I don't want to I didn't wanna come out one before I was ready but.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: But also before I knew for sure like.

Sharna: Absolutely.

Sam: I had a lot of worries about confusing people and like if I was unsure or you know.

Sharna: And that's a very genuine fear you don't want to tell people one thing and then you're like actually never mind.

Sam: But it yeah it was it was it was a lot of it through her support and my counselor's support and then I went to Sydney and when I got back from Sydney I just ripped the Band Aid off like I literally I came back from Sydney cause Sydney was my birthday I came back from Sydney and was celebrating all my birthdays and I think just every I was like to everyone I was seeing that that weekend um after my birthday for my birthday I was like by the way by the way.

Sharna: By the way.

Sam: By the way it's Sam it's they/ them.

Sharna: Yeah welcome Sam.

Sam: Yeah have there have there been anything like anything with your identity that you've had to work on.

Sharna: Definitely not to the extent that you've had but you know obviously with the eating disorder recovery as I mentioned earlier sort of being able to separate my identity from that of the eating disorder or you know the depression or the anxiety or you know no definitely not to your extent but just sort of being able to acknowledge and identify when it's not me when it's the mental illness so as to speak it's the mental illness it's the depression for me you know yeah to be fair recovering from my eating disorder well I still consider myself to be in recovery is when I first started it was so scary for me because I didn't want to lose that part of me it was something in my mind that I had worked so hard for I've done all this hard work and then just all that work and put like identity to be erased I guess um so sometimes I still do find myself trying to hold on to that part of me less so now now that I'm doing better but definitely in the early stages it was very very tough I remember crying being like I don't wanna do this and you know recovering from an eating disorder is hard.

Sam: Oh yeah I remember I remember when I first started with my current psychologist she made me write a list of pros and cons for recovery she was like yeah you probably are not gonna wanna give this up right away yeah turns out she was totally right because it took me three years to be like you know what I'm I'm I'm ready now but I very much relate to that like it does feel for me I felt that I'd put in a lot of effort I was like what were you telling me I just wasted the last like yeah 15 years of my life no thank you.

Sharna: Yeah exactly.

Sam: And and because recovery is hard as well you know it there I definitely had days where I didn't think it was worth it or it didn't feel worth it I know now that that's so not true and if you are listening and you're in that it is so worth it like this morning I tried a bagel for the first time I know I've never had a bagel I think actually that's the most exciting thing is there's so many foods that I haven't.

Sharna: Right.

Sam: Eaten I know and I was like I get to try this thing I'm like a little kid.

Sharna: The first time I tried like an almond croissant mmm.

Sam: I remember how excited you were about trying all these different croissants.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: You were like showing me pictures of croissants outside the coffee shop you're like I tried this one and this one and I just I seeing the excitement on your face to me was what like I was like I'm so proud that you're trying this but also that you had this excitement about trying it instead of this fear.

Sharna: Yeah absolutely.

Sam: Whatever like whatever fear might be behind that there's other people in my life that I've seen recover and watching them grow and and get the confidence back and the life back because I've watched people have eating disorders I'm sure that other people saw this in me but and it definitely felt to me that a piece of me kind of died the longer I was in my eating disorder like.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: It is so it is a dead it is a deadly deadly yeah um disorder and finding that spark again in me yeah seeing it come back in other like I've seen it in you in other people that I know like the spark come back and having you know we can have conversations about food now you know I I don't have to worry that it's gonna you're gonna like leave the conversation and be like a ball on the floor crying because oh my God how could you how could I but also I know people um people don't have that same fear with me.

Sharna: Yeah exactly.

Sam: And I and that's beautiful and and it can be really challenging um I don't know like especially when you've got friends or loved ones that also like if you're both navigating recovery that can be really challenging.

Sharna: Yeah I know especially concerned oh sorry didn't mean to interrupt.

Sam: No no I was gonna say and I know that for a while we had to have some boundaries because it wasn't helpful for either of us and also being able to set those boundaries like that's scary as well.

Sharna: Mmm hmm you know yeah yeah I know because as you're probably aware how competitive eating disorders are so I know it was like at the time it was very important for us to set those boundaries so we're not almost competing with one another you know I think a nice little way to wrap this up would be what does queerness mean to you and how does it how does being queer feel when.

Sam: Yeah I mean I speak from my experience and I do not speak for every person in the LGBTQ+ umbrella but I I mean I talk about queerness in two different fashions one my sexuality but then also my my gender identity as well and I just I I mean I personally use it mostly as a umbrella term to kind of sometimes bring them together a little bit like I am a queer person um sometimes it feels like the acronym can be a bit mouthful but also recognise that it's important like every part of it is important like of the acronym is important to use and to.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: But it's just you know it's just my way of I don't really know what it means to me specifically other than it's just a part of my identity and it's not my whole identity like I'm not just a queer person.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: You know I'm not just non binary I'm not just bisexual like it's not just my like I talked about earlier like I have all these other things as well.

Sharna: Yeah.

Sam: But I think my and I'm very fortunate in the fact that I am in safe spaces that I can express my gender and my sexuality I'm in spaces that you know I'm very lucky my family do have issues using my pronouns but they're still accepting that that's how I identify not everyone is fortunate that is very much a privilege that I have I'm a firm believer in like tiered privileges like I may be privileged in one area and not in others and that's kind of how I see privilege but I'm very very fortunate that I'm surrounded by people who I'm safe with that I can be myself with and I'm I'm very aware not everyone has that experience not everyone you know not everyone gets that opportunity and I'm very lucky to have that.

Sharna: That's amazing that you're able to live your life as do you want to be.

Sam: Hmmm very much so is there any kind of like last thoughts you had on what it like what it means to be a woman that's a really broad question.

Sharna: Oh gosh don't get me wrong I love being a woman love feeling empowered you know but also it can be hard at times you know.

Sam: Hmmm.

Sharna: I'm happy being who I am and you're happy being who you are and I think as long as everyone's happy with who they are you know that's all that should matter.

Sam: So that's kind of it for today's episode next week we're gonna be talking about joints um Shana's experience with like hypermobility and hip dysplasia maybe some of my experiences having arthritis and the fact that I crack all the time like a glow stick.

Sharna: Yep same I just really crackin.

Sam: Yeah I just crack yeah it'll be a nice change we've talked a lot so far about mental health and it'll be really good I think to get into some physical health stuff because absolutely you know that also impacts both of us physical health issues impact both of us and as always I'm gonna do the little social media spiel we have an Instagram if you wanna follow us on Instagram for various posts behind the scenes footage things like that it's at halfway to healing with underscores between the the words um it'll also be on the screen so you can type it in um and like subscribe comment if you have questions or when I get into the conversation and it's been really fun talking this episode.

Sharna: Yeah have a good week everybody.